Mercy Triumphs

Hope left dangling at Struggle’s end

Time and time and time again

Dulls the senses and hones the mind

To be more wary to Hope next time.

In the early 1990s, I sat on our couch and wrote the words above. I don’t remember if it was that night, or another night within a few days of writing those words when I laid on my back outside and looked up at the stars with the hope that I would be encouraged by them. Looking at the stars always helped me, but not that night. I broke out in tears looking at them feeling there was no hope for me anywhere in the universe.

I didn’t know it at the time, but I was battling a Major Depressive Disorder and PTSD. I only knew I was messed up. I thought of suicide often. My thoughts were so scrambled that hopelessness had me captive. There was no hint of hope for me in any and every direction I turned.

I was a Christian and most of my brothers and sisters in Christ believed I wasn’t sincere because they didn’t understand how I could be so troubled in my mind if the Holy Spirit dwelt within me. I couldn’t blame them; I couldn’t understand it myself. One man stuck with me for a few years and we encouraged one another over the phone quite a bit. We had ended up in separate states. But he eventually turned on me, too. And that is when I had this great struggle that ended with the words –

Hope left dangling at Struggle’s end

Time and time and time again

Dulls the senses and hones the mind

To be more wary to Hope next time.

Dear friends, God is faithful, and will not allow us to be tempted beyond what we are able, but with the temptation will provide a way of escape also, that we may be able to endure it. And, oh my goodness, did He provide a way of escape for me?

One day I was sitting on a chair outside after working in our garden and I asked the Lord to please send me a friend. He started slow and ended up sending me many friends. See https://jondavidbanks.com/2018/03/28/birds-frogs-and-butterflies/.

These dear creatures saved my life and gave me hope beyond hope that God could be trusted to come to our aid no matter what we were going through. He is faithful.

I don’t know if this letter will help anyone or not, but I know the pitfalls of depression and I’m very much aware of how dangerous they are. Someone with major depressive disorder cannot climb out of despair and/or just decide to think positively and overcome it. It is a disease, not a choice. Those who have this disease are sick, not weak-minded. This letter is for them and for those who come in contact with them.

After years of suffering with depression, the Lord led me to the Veterans Administration where they immediately diagnosed me with Major Depressive Disorder and PTSD. It took them a while to try different medications, but they finally found one that changed my life. I have been on it for decades now.

Most people don’t know but trauma can cause the brain to change the ways it works. Trauma in childhood even causes the brain to grow differently than it normally grows. So we must always be careful about judging people, for many are where they are, not of choice, but because of circumstances beyond their control.

We should always speak and act as those who are to be judged by the law of liberty. For judgment will be merciless to one who has shown no mercy; mercy triumphs over judgment, James 2:12-13.

Jon David Banks, God’s most unworthy servant

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Published by Jon David Banks