I’m 78 years old and for the past year or so I’ve been noticing a lot of changes in my health. I have a few maladies that are slowly but steadily growing worse.
For several months I woke up thinking that I was one day older than I was the day before. This thought haunted me nearly every day.
Well, a few weeks ago I woke up with a completely different thought. It was this — I’m one day closer to being with Jesus. Oh, my goodness, that thought has changed everything.
A few people have even noticed a change in me. Just last night a friend commented that I’m starting to look younger. I think he was exaggerating a little, but I liked what he said.
I’m going to be very open and honest about this. My health is getting better, quite a bit of pain has been subsiding, and I’m so happy to know I’m going to be with Jesus one day. I’m looking forward to that day.
I have been treated pretty badly by many people since I was born. The doctors have told me I have most likely had PTSD since childhood and it was worsened by experiences in the Army.
Throughout my entire life, I have been an outcast, even in my Christian life. I am very familiar with bearing the Lord’s reproach outside the gate. I also realize I am very honored for the opportunity to be treated in such a manner.
I used to either get mad or weep when people turned on me. I never knew which it was going to be. But I am finally learning to rejoice when I’m treated so badly, especially by Christians, because the path I have walked has taught me to trust in Jesus. If He is pleased with me, that is enough.
It matters not what people think if we’re doing the will of God, as long as God is pleased with the way we are doing it. This life is but a whisper in a strong wind. It’s here and gone in a flash.
Oh, my goodness, God is so magnificent, so majestic, so beyond this tiny world we live in, Yes, the world is tiny compared to God. Think about it, the human race began from the dust of the ground. We as a species have accomplished much. But in comparison to God, we are specks of sand.
I didn’t intend to write all this. I was just going to write about my change of thoughts every day. But I’m going to leave everything in this writing.
In closing, I want to say that by my faith in the name of Jesus, a man was raised from the dead and given another chance to accept Christ, which he did. By faith a demon was cast out of a lady and a pearl was laid up for me in heaven. By faith, I have seen angels and demons. By faith, I have seen Jesus several times. He once laid His hands on my shoulders and ordained me to preach His gospel. I felt the weight of His hands. I reached out and touched His robe as He started up the staircase I was sitting on. I saw His robe move when I touched it. He stopped, looked back, and smiled at me, then walked to the top of the stairs and disappeared.
There is another experience even more miraculous than these. So I have had a glimpse of the vastness of God. In one vision I saw into heaven. In another, I saw Israelites as far as the eye could see; Israelites who had received a spirit of stupor for the sake of the Gentiles.
One would think that after seeing and participating in all these things I would have faith running out of my ears. The truth is all those things, while wonderful and helpful, were like a drop in the bucket to me. Yes, I was amazed each time; and I mean totally and completely amazed. But I could never rest in the Spirit. I was always torn in two.
You see, I was raised being taught that I wasn’t worthy to breathe the same air as everyone else and that I should apologize to everyone I see. I was taught this in very convincing ways. The things I endured in my childhood affect me to this day.
They affected me deeply in accepting the love of the Father and Son. I was programmed to believe I deserved the worst of what life had to offer. So when I was born again I had a hard time accepting the Lord’s love. I could accept His forgiveness, but not His love. This has gone on for decades.
I don’t know how it has happened but I have recently been opening myself before God. This past year I have laid myself bare before Him and He has done things within me that have boggled my mind. He witnesses to my heart in such comforting and loving ways, letting me know He understands my predicament and is leading me out of it.
Just recently I have been experiencing something that is above my pay grade. It’s like a glimpse into something I can’t even describe. I never expect it; it just comes. And when it comes it is like perfect peace entering my entire being. This has happened several times.
It’s like expressions of God’s love, or flashes of light that enter my heart and my spirit, and my soul. It’s fleeting, but it’s immensely powerful. And it has made my faith flourish.
The thought of Jesus loving me as much as He does humbles me to the point that I can barely raise my head. I am so unworthy. And He loves me despite the bad things I’ve done in my past, and He has forgiven me. He still forgives me to the extent that I forgive those who sin against me. As long as I am forgiving, He is forgiving.
He loves each of us equally. We need only accept His love. Accepting His love for us makes it so much easier to both love and forgive others. It also makes it easier to have a good attitude to begin each day.
If anyone who reads this has a similar problem of accepting God’s love, please be honest with Him. He loves honesty. He knows our needs before we ask Him, yet He still wants us to ask Him. He longs to comfort us and show His amazing love for us, but we must open ourselves before Him and allow Him to do these things.
There are two things, when approaching God, that both honor and please Him beyond words. These two things are ‘honesty’ and ‘truthfulness.’ He will overlook our shortcomings and embrace us with open arms. He wants us to put down our defenses and rely on Him so that He can show us each of the attributes of His love.
Psalm 51:6, Behold, Thou dost desire truth in the innermost being, and in the hidden part Thou wilt make me know wisdom.
Never try to work up faith, never claim anything, just trust in God. If you are having trouble believing something, don’t stand on the word, or claim a promise. Standing on the word and claiming something from God is the height of arrogance. Who are we to demand He does what we ask.
Instead, we should say, “Lord, I believe. Please help my unbelief.” This is honest and truthful. God knows when we have trouble believing something, just as the writer of Hebrews said —
Hebrews 4:13,
“And there is no creature hidden from His sight, but all things are open and laid bare to the eyes of Him with whom we have to do.”
God already knows the thoughts and intentions of our hearts, if we go to Him acting like or claiming we have faith when we have doubts, He will see us as following the father of lies, that one who was a liar from the beginning. The more honest we are, the more help He will give us, and the faster we will attain to the unity of the faith, and of the knowledge of the Son of God.
Our heavenly Father desires us to be truthful with ourselves and with Him, and if we do this He makes us to know wisdom. This wisdom comes from Jesus, for He has become to us wisdom from God. So if we are not truthful, we are not wise, nor do we belong to Jesus.
But now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.
May we all lay down our arms and be truthful in our innermost being, so the Lord can express Himself to us and give us wisdom, as He sheds His love abroad in our hearts.
Ephesians 3:14-21,
14 For this reason, I bow my knees before the Father,
15 from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name,
16 that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man;
17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love,
18 may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth,
19 and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fulness of God.
20 Now to Him who is able to do exceeding abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us,
21 to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen.
Jon David Banks, God’s most unworthy servant
Scripture quotations taken from the (NASB®) New American Standard Bible®, Copyright © 1960, 1971, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. All rights reserved. www.lockman.org
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